Parenting: 10 Things I’m Tired of Saying

22. May 2016 funny 0
Parenting: 10 Things I’m Tired of Saying

Sometimes I feel like it’s Groundhog Day around here with the way I have to repeat myself. It’s almost like every time is the first time. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Groundhog Day reference, Bill Murray plays a TV weatherman who finds himself in a time loop repeating the same day (which happens to be Groundhog Day) again and again. That feels like my life except I’m not a weatherman, and it’s not necessarily February 2nd every day. But you get my drift.

I have been repeating the phrases below daily for a good solid 5 years. At this rate, I’m beginning to think that I’ll be saying the same things for the next 10 years. And that’s a conservative estimate.

That being said, here are my top ten things that I’m tired of having to say daily:

“Flush the (d@#$) toilet!”

I don’t know why this is so hard, but the kids find it especially difficult. It’s especially annoying because the kids’ bathroom is also our guest bathroom, so I don’t want our poor guests to stumble upon floaters in an un-flushed toilet. And when I question the kids, they all look at me like I’m nuts. Every day. I’m beginning to think we could potty train our cat to flush the toilet and we’d be more successful.

“Brush your teeth!”

You’d think that I’m asking them to scrub the floor with toothpicks when I ask them to do this. We do this every single day, and yet, every single day it is a shocking surprise for them at the end of the day. A daily flipping struggle.

“Stop touching your penis!” (while we’re eating, out in public, watching TV, etc.)

Without totally embarrassing my kids, I’m so tired of watching them tug on their privates. In an effort not to cause weird issues as an adult, I make sure to tell them that it’s okay to tug on their privates, but for the love of all things, NOT AT THE DINNER TABLE. No tugs in between bites of chicken. And please, just please, not in front of me.

“Buckle in (your car seat/booster)!”

I don’t know why it’s such a surprise that when we get in the car, that they need to buckle in. It is something we have done daily now for at least 3 1/2 years (for the youngest) and up to 7 years (for the oldest). Yet the fact that I have to remind them (YELL AT THEM) daily is absolutely mind boggling.

“I can’t look at you while I’m driving!”

“Mom, look at this!!!” I hear this multiple times a day while I’m driving. Sometimes it’s a massive booger that they want me to look at, sometimes it’s a funny face, other times it could be an alien life form in the car. I don’t care what it is, I CAN’T LOOK AT YOU WHILE I’M DRIVING!

“Stop Saying ‘Poop’ and ‘Penis’ when we’re at the dinner table!” (and in public)

I know “poop” is kind of a novelty word and the mere thought of it makes you laugh, but I am so tired of having to tell you not to say it while we’re eating. Or while we’re watching a movie. Or at the park. Or school. Please just stop. I don’t want to have a parent-teacher conference about your need to constantly repeat “poop” because I would probably giggle during the conference. And that wouldn’t go over well.

“Stop <kicking, punching, licking, annoying> your <insert family member here>!”

This is probably the #1 thing I say daily. Any combination of licking and punching and kicking and annoying. It’s honestly ridiculous. I’m almost at the point where I’m not really surprised by much. When you have to say “Stop licking your sister’s neck!” or “Stop playing with the dog’s hairy penis!” without even being phased, then you know you’re in the thick of parenting.

“Wash your hands!”

When we taught them to use the potty, we always said “wipe, flush, and wash your hands” and yet they barely manage to get through step 1. We already know they majorly fail at flushing, so getting them to wash hands is just a downright joke. Every time I even think a child has left the bathroom, I scream across the house “WASH YOUR HANDS!” and without fail I can hear a grunt in response.

“Because I said so!”

I don’t mind the truly curious question like, “Why do dogs sniff each others’ behinds?” but I get so so tired of “Why can’t I swing on the broken swing?” “Why can’t I run in the street when there are cars?” “Why can’t I eat candy for breakfast?” “Why can’t I lick the dog?” It is flipping endless. In the morning my answers start out earnestly, “Sweetheart, you can’t run in the street with cars because you’ll get hit by a car.” But by the time mid-day occurs, all of the “why” questions are almost always answered with the dreaded because-I-said-so retort.  Pre-parenting, I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth. Silly me.

“I am not a jungle gym!” (or monkey bars or a fire pole)

I love my kids and I love snuggling with them. I really do. But, I can’t stand being a walking set of monkey bars for them to hang on, play on, and swing from. My youngest child loves to dive on my leg unexpectedly like it’s a fire pole for sliding down, and my middle son loves to jump in my arms when I least expect it, nearly knocking me over. I AM NOT A JUNGLE GYM. Or a fire pole. Or a set of monkey bars.

So, those are the top ten things I get tired of saying. Surely there are some good ones that I’m missing. What phrases are you tired of uttering day in and day out?

Why do I want to know? Because I said so…

groundhog


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