I Don’t Recommend a Golden Retriever Massage

06. May 2016 funny 0
I Don’t Recommend a Golden Retriever Massage

At the beginning of the school year, I was referred to a massage therapist that lived nearby and worked out of her home. When I called to schedule my appointment, she asked me on the phone if it was okay that she had two Golden Retrievers. I said, “Of course, I love dogs!” I assumed that she was asking me in case I had a dog allergy or some irrational fear of Golden Retrievers. I never considered that I may be dealing with a Golden Retriever massage.

When I showed up at her house, she greeted me kindly (as did the dogs) and I was shown to the massage room. Just like any normal massage, I was asked to disrobe. Unlike any normal massage, I was left in the massage room alone with her two dogs. Although sweet pups, I felt a little awkward disrobing in front of two strange dogs panting heavily with excitement. But, whatever. I’m pretty laid back, I think. 

When the massage therapist returned and I was on the table, I was certain that she would lock the dogs up or put them outside. However, the pups remained in the room while the massage began. I kept thinking, “Surely, she’s going to put the dogs away… Maybe? Do I say something? Is this really happening!!? Oh my, it’s happening!!”

I tried to relax and think happy thoughts in between {crotch lick crotch lick sniff} but it was a little challenging. To be clear, they were licking THEIR crotches, but still awkward nonetheless.  When I had to roll over on my stomach and my face was looking through the weird massage table hole, I could see both of them on the floor peering at me. Waiting. 

Fast forward 50 or so minutes, and the massage is over. The therapist leaves the room for me to put my clothes back on. I sit up and the two dogs are staring at me, waiting until they could passionately lick the massage oil off my legs. The mere thought of that gave me the speed I needed to get dressed so I could avoid a full frontal tongue assault by the dogs.  

I’m pretty sure I ran out of that house faster than I have with any massage.  I guess I’ve learned something for the future– should any massage therapist ask me if I like Golden Retrievers, my answer will be “No thank you, I do not want a Golden Retriever massage.”

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