I Don’t Recommend a Golden Retriever Massage

06. May 2016 funny 0
I Don’t Recommend a Golden Retriever Massage

At the beginning of the school year, I was referred to a massage therapist that lived nearby and worked out of her home. When I called to schedule my appointment, she asked me if it was okay that she had two Golden Retrievers. “Of course, I love dogs,” was my response. I assumed that she was asking me in case I had a dog allergy or some irrational fear of Golden Retrievers. The thought never crossed my mind that I may be dealing with a Golden Retriever massage.

When I showed up at her house, she greeted me kindly and professionally. I was then shown to the massage room just like any other massage. The room was comfortable and smelled nice, just as if I were at a true day spa. The usual massage music (a blend of Enya and elevator music) played softly in the background. 

The massage therapist then asked me to disrobe. She showed me where to put my things and told me which side to lay on first. Then she walked out and closed the door.

That’s when I looked down and saw them. Two goofy Golden Retrievers staring at me.

Unlike any other massage I had ever had, I was left in the massage room alone with the massage therapist’s two dogs. Although sweet pups, I felt a little awkward disrobing in front of two strange dogs panting heavily with excitement. But, whatever. I think to myself. “Surely she just left them in the room on accident and she’ll let them out when she comes back in.”

I was already on the massage table when the therapist returned to the room. I was certain that she would lock the dogs up or put them outside. However, the pups remained in the room while the massage began.

I kept thinking, “Surely, she’s going to put the dogs away.”

“Oh crap, she’s NOT putting the dogs away.”

“Do I say something to her??”

“Is this really happening!!?”

“Oh my, it’s happening!!”

“No, I can’t say something to her. I told her that I loved Golden Retrievers! UGH!”

“Well, suck it up, buttercup. You’ve got another 50 minutes of this awkward massage.”

I tried to relax and think happy thoughts in between {crotch lick crotch lick sniff} but it was a little challenging. (To be clear, they were licking THEIR crotches, but still awkward nonetheless.)  When I had to roll over on my stomach and my face was looking through the weird massage table face hole, I could see both of them on the floor peering at me. Waiting. 

More licks. Grunts. Sniffs.

Fast forward 50 or so minutes, and the massage is over. The therapist leaves the room for me to put my clothes back on. I sit up and the two dogs are staring at me, waiting until they could passionately lick the massage oil off my legs. The mere thought of that gave me the speed I needed to get dressed so I could avoid a full frontal tongue assault by the dogs.  

I’m pretty sure I ran out of that house faster than I have with any massage.  I guess I’ve learned something for the future– should any massage therapist ask me if I like Golden Retrievers, my answer will be “Nope, sure don’t!”


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